


keep my body from the fire (hire a gardener for my grave)

by 2c31h42n2o6



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies), Star Trek: The Original Series, Star Trek: The Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Character Death, M/M, no beta we die like men, no smut but potentially violence, some interesting interpretations of vulcan funerals, uhh sarek is there
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-23
Updated: 2020-11-23
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:21:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27241846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/2c31h42n2o6/pseuds/2c31h42n2o6
Summary: Vulcan funeral rituals are highly private affairs restricted to immediate family members.  For Kirk this means a lot of stares from all the Vulcans he passed on his way to the temple.  It also means three specific Vulcans have been leveling him with three entirely different stares that range from a scandalized parent, to a shocked first officer, to a warm old friend.  It's the last one that's most concerning him though because given that he's here for a funeral he's pretty sure he can see Spock smiling.  Kirk reminds himself to comm Pike's ghost and ask if hell has frozen over.
Relationships: James T. Kirk & Leonard "Bones" McCoy, James T. Kirk & Spock, James T. Kirk & Spock Prime, James T. Kirk/Spock
Comments: 2
Kudos: 36





	keep my body from the fire (hire a gardener for my grave)

It was raining on New Vulcan, the day that Spock died. Jim stood next to the grave wearing ceremonial robes while his first officer held an umbrella between them. Sarek was standing some distance away with his own umbrella as the High Priestess finished the ceremony and handed each of them what appeared to be a data rod on a chain. Spock would later explain that it was a collection of information about the deceased so that they would not be forgotten. That their accomplishments and merit would be remembered through family. Jim would call it a sweet gesture and Spock would excuse himself from the mess under the pretense of not being insulted before the start of shift.

Next to him, Spock was standing perfectly straight, face impassive and eyes kept carefully down. There was a slight twitch that betrayed him, and Jim wasn't sure he could place it as annoyance, but it was there. Even with the umbrella Jim's face was curiously wet and then he remembered he'd been crying. He wondered instead if he should laugh.

Two weeks ago he had received his final com from the Older Spock requesting his presence for a burial ritual on New Vulcan. He knew his condition had been getting worse and he had requested Jim's participation in the services. Jim had had to excuse himself from the rest of Alpha shift to write his response in his quarters because while Vulcans could sure as hell be logical about their own deaths, Jim damn well couldn't. Spock had quirked an eyebrow at him but Jim had shaken his head. He was sure Spock wouldn't want to talk with him about his older self's impending death. Every time Jim brought up the man he was leveled with a frosty look Spock reserved for overeager diplomats.

So he'd sat in his quarters, said he would be honored, that the Enterprise would be headed in that direction anyway and if there was anything Jim could get him to feel free to ask. He considered asking how long Spock had known, if he could have said something to Jim sooner. Their past communications had had no traces of his declining health and if he hadn't been blindsided by grief he would have felt angry.

Spock had let himself into Jim's quarters via their shared bathroom exactly 10 minutes after the end of Alpha shift to find his Captain laying on his bed and staring blankly at the ceiling. Jim supposed he had been wrong and that Spock did want to talk.

"Captain, I am correct in assuming you have received a communication from New Vulcan about my... counterpart's upcoming funeral ritual?" Had it not been for the slight tick in his jaw at the word counterpart, Jim would have assumed Spock was asking about the weather. He turned his head to meet his first officer's glare head on.

"Yes Spock. I have. I already contacted Headquarters and since we're overdue for leave I put in for bereavement leave for the both of us and it's been approved. Apparently he wants me to participate in some sort of ceremony." At this Spock blinked and to Jim that was enough to be a full body flinch. He almost asked about it but was cut off.

"Captain, Vulcan funeral ceremonies are highly private and restricted to immediate family members. Are he sure he asked you to participate or was it merely an invitation to observe?"

_Sure,_ he thought, _observe_. Not an hour ago his face had been cradled between Spock's, or well, Selek's, palms but _yeah Spock, the older you really just wanted me to come watch him die by his bedside. You know how that is right?_

Shaking his head, Jim actually made the mental effort to shield for a moment. He wasn't angry at Spock. He wanted to punch the stoic look off his face, but he wasn't angry with him. If anything, his bones felt sad and the rain seemed to be seeping into his skin from where the wind evaded their umbrella. 

As the ceremony came to a close, Jim took stock of the moment. His head felt like it was going to start leaking his brain through his ears, his soul felt heavier and yet like there was something missing, and the three Vulcans standing around Selek's grave all actively hated him. T'Pau for destroying Vulcan, Sarek for killing his wife, and Spock for doing both while also managing to place the burden of that guilt onto himself. Oh yeah, and George Kirk was also sort of dead because of him. But for all the shit that Selek had had to shovel in this universe, Jim had never held it against him. He could feel Spock glancing at him and almost succeeded in completely shielding his thoughts from him entirely. If anything, that probably made Spock more concerned since he knew Jim didn't know how to shield. 

"Captain Kirk, Commander, you are both welcome to come with me to my living quarters for a short meal. It is customary that the family of the deceased..." Sarek trailed off at Jim's nod, betraying a human custom so starkly that he almost did a double take.

The ceremony had been nothing like he'd expected. Spock had had to explain the concept of Katras to him beforehand, saying that they were a person's life forced passed down to the next oldest in the family. It was a way of keeping their logic alive and doubled as a way of teaching a younger generation. Jim had been in awe of the concept a little, because having your great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather's memories that could conflict with all the other potential Katras in a person sounded like a lot. Spock had looked frustrated when he said so because he then had to clarify that older Katras were more like echoes of memories, not like having the person actively thinking in one's head.

Both Spock and Sarek had been under the impression that Selek's Katra would go to Sarek. There was a brief moment in Jim's quarters where he was at a loss for words when Spock admitted his trepidation at his Father carrying the Katras of two of his sons and not being able to outlive them. In that moment, Jim had learned Spock had a brother who died when he was young, and also that whatever relationship his first officer claimed not to have with his Father was bullshit.

During the walk to the Ambassador's house Spock was impeccably dry regardless of the wind and the rain and Jim found himself jealous of that sort of grace. He forgave him though, when he realized how badly the man was trying to hold back a question. It was his eyes. He only squinted like that on missions where Jim had jumped to some conclusion intuitively, surpassing whatever logical leap Spock made only after he asked Jim to walk him through his reasoning for deception or some other tactic Spock felt was unnecessary. Jim decided to take pity on his first officer and broach the subject for him.

"So... how long will we be staying at your Dad's place?" Spock visibly relaxed, his eyebrows settling lower on his face and his grip loosening on the handle of the umbrella. 

"An hour, perhaps two. It is customary that the family of the deceased... reminisce about aspects of person's life to ensure memories are not tinged by emotional inaccuracies," he said in the voice he reserved for mission briefings. If it hadn't been for the pause before the very _human_ word reminisce, Jim would have thought Spock was going over a regulation for interplanetary conduct.

"Do I... Do I talk about what I saw in the meld?" That startled Spock enough that he actually stopped walking to look at his Captain, who was now standing in the rain and cursing slightly having to duck back under the shared umbrella. 

"No," Spock told him, "the memories shared in a meld are intensely private and are meant to be shared with an individual of their choice only. Even in circumstances such as these, it would not be appropriate."

Jim looked away from his first office and off towards the house. Sarek was already inside but not obviously waiting for them. He hoped it wasn't rude but there was a question he needed to ask Spock and he wasn't sure the ambassador would understand it like his first officer would. Like his best friend would.

"Captain, is there something you wish to discuss about the meld? I was told by the elders that, due to Selek's unusual circumstances, not all of his Katra would be allowed to be passed on, so as not to interfere with this timeline more than he already has. He did not give you any illicit information, did he?" Jim shook his head at the question and turned back to Spock.

"It's Jim," he corrected automatically. "And it's just," he hesitated. "I don't think all the memories were meant for me. I know this isn't the usual go around Spock, but can I tell you, generally speaking, what he showed me? I'm having a bit of a difficult time processing..." that he's gone hung between them unsaid. Spock nodded faintly and Jim turned over the memories in his mind.

"There are memories of my Dad, which I suppose he intended for me since the Kirk and his universe and him melded. I think those are an apology, you know, since..." from the look Spock was giving him he definitely understood so Jim moved on. "But then there's other memories that aren't, well. Spock, there's memories of your Mom and your brother in here. I don't have a Katra, and I know melds are personal and all, but I really think that he wanted me to share these with you and your Father since he knew he could only give memories to one person and that I would be willing to share them with both of you." The last part came out in a rush and Spock went back to standing at full attention as opposed to parade rest. 

"You propose a meld between you, myself, and my Father?" There was surprise in Spock's voice and Jim had to remind himself not to smile at the lack of control.

"I know what I'm getting into, if that's what you're asking. Look, Spock, I feel like I've walked into something incredibly private, worse than seeing the man behind the curtain, and while melds aren't exactly my favorite way to spend my shore leave, I think it's important that the both of you know the man and woman your brother and Mother got to become." Jim now had memories of playing baseball with his Dad in the backyard while his Mom went to collect his brother from college. There were memories of all of them being in the audience when he accepted his commission to the Enterprise and his Dad walking Sam's wife down the aisle after her own Dad had died before the ceremony. He had memories of chess games and late night coms asking if he was doing the right thing. Jim had all of these things because of Selek and it was unfair of him to keep that same opportunity from Spock and the ambassador, even if it was a bit awkward for him.

It took several moments of silence from Spock before he got his answer. "You are... If you are certain, then I will suggest this to my Father." Jim nodded and Spock continued, "he has had more experience at communal melds than myself and would have to be the one to guide all of us through it. However, for you to undergo it today is perhaps ill advised. The mental strain from the first meld today was already extreme and I am sure Dr. McCoy would have choice words for the both of us were I to allow you to take part in another taxing ritual so close to the first. I can bring it up after the meal if that would make you most comfortable."

"Thanks, Spock," he replied gently, reaching out to pat his first officer's arm before they continued towards the ambassador's house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really only writing this fic because I thought of the first line in the shower. I guess we'll see how it goes.

**Author's Note:**

> the title is from No Plan by Hozier


End file.
